I launched our beloved burg years prior to that governmental action. Only fanciers of bureaucratic gobbledygook and red-tape enthusiasts should make a fuss on such an anniversary.
Honestly, I was far more excited in anticipation of my annual viewing of Harold Ramis and Bill Murray’s classic comedy. I know something myself about spending decades in virtual purgatory, but that’s a story for another time. To the question at hand:
What are the proper rules and etiquette of valet tipping? What is the amount of tipping based on? Is a tip still expected if I can see my car or it takes longer to go to the valet and wait for him to bring my car versus just walking right up to my car and driving off? — Pedro A.
Understand that the advice soon to spring forth from my fingertips should not be read as an endorsement of the vile system of gratuities that pervades this great nation. In my day a man could expect to receive a fair wage for fair work, or at least have legal sanction to beat the living snot out of any fellow who shafted him on payday.
Today too many of our countrymen labor in the servitude of robber-barons allowed to pay them far below market value. These latter-day serfs must rely upon a racist, sexist, un-American practice — one that’s been demonstrated to have almost no effect on the quality of service customers receive in return — to feed themselves and their kin. It is most assuredly an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.
That said, I’ll be damned if I’ll endorse the idea of the dad-gum government outlawing the right of a private businessman to royally screw over his employees and customers. So you’re stuck with this awfulness, and I’m stuck guiding you through this particular circle of hell. Here’s what you do:
Tipping a valet for parking your automobile usually runs between $2 and $5. This is a fee entirely separate from whatever toll is required by the business owner for the privilege of leaving your car on his property for a few hours. Some folks advise that you should tip both the fellow who’s there when you drop off your car as well as the guy who retrieves it for you, but that’s ludicrous excepting in the event of remaining overnight, like at a hotel.
In my considerable estimation these are the most infuriating valet setups in the city: NorthPark Center (for the acres of spaces that remain empty even on days parking is at a premium), Equinox Highland Park (you pay $150 a month for indoor calisthenics and you can’t walk your keister from the garage?), and at Toulouse and Taverna along Knox Street (how no one has yet been maimed as death-defying professional parkers dart across the road in front of drivers eager to plow ahead after having to maneuver around runners coming off the Katy Trail is one of the city’s great mysteries.)
As for the irritating situation to which today’s query alludes and of which many of the deeply wronged people of Dallas are aware — namely, being forced to stop to hand over your keys and stand by as your car is driven into a space less than 25 feet away — it would appear that social custom requires you to tip just the same as if the valet weren’t in point of fact being a huge inconvenience to you.
Fortunately, social custom does not require me to do so. Having been born in the 19th century, I’m grandfathered out of this nonsense. I did, however, on one occasion have to slap around a valet at the Standard Pour who insisted on taking from my possession the vehicle that Wylie H. Dallas had loaned me, even though the damnable parking paddock was empty.
I gave him a lesson he won’t soon forget, though if you’re not yourself the founding father of a sizable metropolis, I wouldn’t advise attempting the same.
Sticking the landing,
John Neely Bryan is the founder of the city of Dallas and an expert on all matters. Email him for advice, to have a dispute adjudicated, or to seek his wisdom on any of a myriad of topics, at [email protected].
