The State Fair of Texas has revealed its contenders for the Big Tex Choice Awards.
It’s always funny getting the press release announcing the State Fair’s culinary showdown. At the top of the email, the Fair tells us it is a “world-renowned food competition” for “innovative creations.” Then you scroll down and see “Fat Bacon Pickle Fries.”
Anyway, here are the semifinalists for this year’s Big Tex Choice Awards, set to be judged blind by celebrities on the criteria of taste, creativity, and “fairgoer appeal.” I’ve appended my own instant reaction to each item.
Savory Semifinalists:
“Deep Fried Crispy Vietnamese Crepes.” That’s bánh xèo, if you’re in the know. Stuffed with veggies, shrimp, and unspecified land animal meat. All in!
“Dominican Dog.” Seasoned corn dog with queso frito, salami frito, and garlic plantain chips. All in!
“Drowning Taquitos.” Chicken tacos served in a cup covered in salsa. I’d rather get them at Maskaras.
“Fat Bacon Pickle Fries.” Basically, it sounds like a loaded baked potato, but with fried pickles instead of the potato. Eh.
“Hammy Pimento Meltdown.” A grilled cheese made with pimento and ham. A+ name for a normal food. I’m going to rename my leftover spaghetti Beefy Tomato Meltdown.
“Hippie Chips.” They’re just Irish nachos with blue cheese. Meh.
“Hot Chick-in-Pancake Poppers.” Bizarrely, they also have a second name listed: “Nashville Hot Pancake Pops.” Make up your minds, guys! (It’s hot chicken and pimento cheese dunked in pancake batter and fried.)
“Oktoberfest Pizza.” German sausage, onion, pepper, sauerkraut, mustard, and cheese pizza. All in!
“Texas Fried Burnt End Bombs.” Yes, they’re deep fried burnt ends. OK.
“Triple Meat Big Back Snack.” This is basically an even more ridiculous copycat of Panther City BBQ’s brisket elote. Elote, brisket, mac and cheese, a biscuit…there’s more but I’m tired.
Sweet Semifinalists:
“Beso de Ángel.” A strawberry buñuelo shaped like a crispy taco. All in!
“Caramel Macchiato Fritters.” Comes with a shot of espresso.
“Cookie Butter Nachos.” With flour tortilla chips. Hmmm. Maybe.
“Cotton Candy Bacon on a Stick.” OK, this is just smart thinking. That’s how you play the game.
“Crookies.” Slices of croissant topped with cookie dough and baked. Uhhhhh.
“Frozen Limoncello.” It’s a sorbet. It’s hot outside. This is a big, big yes from me.
“It’s Bananas…B*A*N*A*N*A*S.” It’s a banana pudding shake. These people have been watching too much M*A*S*H.
“LAY’S Potato Chip Drink.” You will not guess what this drink actually is based on before they top it with chips. Are you ready? Have you guessed? OK. Here’s the truth: it’s a mango smoothie.
“Nutty Bar-laska.” This is a mysteriously anonymous “classic chocolate-dipped nutty bar” dunked in marshmallow and toasted. And then covered in Oreos. And then covered in strawberry sauce. What, was Snickers ashamed of its inclusion in this?
“Standing on Business.” This sundae is topped with a dark chocolate cookie (from Cookie Society!), a piece of deep fried sweet potato pie, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, a cherry, French fries, and a chicken wing. Look, maybe I’m just starting to get angry here, but what ice cream stand has a frying station?
“Strawberry Pop-Tarts Beignetffle.” The official description for this one uses the words “delectable,” “delicately,” and “delightfully” in one sentence. Do I get overtime pay for reading these?
“Texas Sugar Rush Pickles.” Cotton candy-flavored pickles coated in Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, and Cap’n Crunch, then topped with cotton candy and ice cream. How did they get the right to use all these brand names except Snickers?
“Tropical Two-Step Punch.” It’s punch. Alcoholic or non-alcoholic. Honestly, I’m relieved at this point. Real food!
“Whole Bundt of Kisses.” I’m not reading this one.
